HELP! I'm stuck in an episode of White Lotus

(minus the incest and murder)

“You don't have enough lorazepam to get through a week at a wellness spa?”

—Piper to her mom on Season 3 of The White Lotus (screen-written by Mike White)

I’m just as glued to White Lotus as the rest of you and I’m also stuck inside an actual simulation of a never ending episode. The spiritual wellness influencer scene was bad enough when I lived in Los Angeles, but after moving to Hawaii, where Mike White dreamed up his hit series, I assure you, reality is even wilder than fiction.

There’s two levels to spiritual tourism in Hawaii. One is the version that occurs at high end resorts which are bubbles unto themselves and have very little to do with experiencing Hawaiian culture. Many visitors never leave the confines of the property, content to have their every desire catered to by staff at a hefty mark up.

You would not believe the horror stories I hear of Hollywood people on holiday (many of whom I am ashamed to know) from friends who work in the service industry. They act out their wildest vacation sex and drug fantasies thinking no one will be the wiser. However, I hear everything. News travels fast inter-island, we call it the “coconut wireless.” If you are propositioning a staff member during breakfast at a Maui resort for a three way or cocaine, it will be talked about on Oahu by dusk. When a high profile guest has particularly ridiculous requests, like demanding the bottles of San Pellegrino stocked in their mini bar be opened just enough to hear the seal break so they don’t have to use wrist strength to twist one open, it will get shared amongst friends. This is how I found out that Rihanna loves Bubbalicious bubble gum and Kanye hates the smell of broccoli.

Then there’s the transient spiritual tourists who come to Hawaii for a longer stay to “discover themselves and raise their consciousness.” They believe that consciousness can be bought at a high end wellness retreat or attained through psychedelics; convinced that if they charge their crystals at sacred heiaus they will receive direct downloads from the long lost Lemurian race. Many are freelance life coaches, quoting rates of $1111 or $444 to share highly interpretative versions of Hawaiian practices like Ho'oponopono (a ritual of forgiveness and reconciliation) or to channel deities over Zoom, claiming to be the second coming of Pele, goddess of volcanoes.

I practice breath-work, sun my perineum (sometimes) and do sound healing yoga but am also a major troll when it comes to wellness. Here’s the straight tea on some of the White Lotus-esque spiritual influencers I’ve encountered recently including ecstatic dance swingers, a reality star turned shaman and the bitcoin bro who tried to dose me with sassafras at a private party a few weeks ago…