HOLLYWOOD LOVES/ HATES

I’ve entered my “f*ck it” era and shade will be dealt…whatever, did you expect anything less? lol xoxo

Robert Mitchum sporting LOVE & HATE knuckle tattoos in his role as a psycho preacher in Night of the Hunter, 1955, directed by Charles Laughton.

Recently

Dream Baby Press

asked me for a list of 10 things I love and 10 things I hate. It inspired me to create a version for “Hollywood.” As a persona, Hollywood is intoxicating, delusional, powerful, fearful, addictive, vulnerable, self-aggrandizing, seductive, fickle, complex and wonderful. This is my take on some of the things that Hollywood, historically LOVES and HATES. Let me know in the comments what other LOVES and HATES should be added to the list….or what YOU LOVE and HATE about Hollywood.

HOLLYWOOD LOVES

1. A COMEBACK. Also known as a “redemption story.”  See: Pam Anderson post 2022, Cher in Moonstruck, Winona Ryder in Stranger Things, Vanessa Williams in Ugly Betty, Jennifer Coolidge in White Lotus, Drew Barrymore; Rob Lowe (from sex tape scandal to SNL to West Wing) Hugh Grant (post 1995 arrest for soliciting Divine Brown, a sex worker in Hollywood;) Marlon Brando in The Godfather, Robert Downey Jr. post rehab, pre-Marvel franchise. I sat next to him at dinner at my Dad’s house in 2002, at a dinner dad & Trudie Styler were co-hosting. Robert Downey Jr. was fresh out of rehab and his sober coach was sitting in a car in our driveway the whole time. He was uninsurable back then (meaning no one would hire him because the insurance was too high to cover his potential relapse and the production shutting down.) Mel Gibson personally underwrote his insurance so that Downey Jr. could star in 2003’s The Singing Detective. Most classic comeback award goes to Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard.

   

2. AGENTS— when they are making you/ the agency money; kissing the appropriate rings; keeping their clients out of trouble and managing misbehavior so the studio execs don’t have to. Like for example…a male superstar throwing a diva fit because he suddenly doesn’t want to wear the wig his character sports in the film he’s being paid millions for, so he holes up in his compound of trailers and refuses to come to set…this is when the agent comes in handy to keep their client in check.

3. HUSTLE n HIERARCHY, as long as you follow the rules and respect the game. Hollywood loves people who know their place in the system, especially if you start in a mailroom or as an assistant. Hollywood Assistants should always be praised/ feared because they keep all the secrets.

4. A GLOW UP See: Pretty Woman, Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face & My Fair Lady; The Devil Wears Prada. You can also do this offscreen with the use of stylists, a glam squad, injectables, a good surgeon and the proper PR— see the Kardashians, and Gypsy Rose Blanchard’s current Hollywood makeover. 

5. A POLITICAL CAUSE/ using awards shows as a soapbox. But choose your stance with caution. What better way to align yourself with the people than to proclaim your views on the issue of the day whilst wearing haute couture that costs more than most make in a year? Totally relatable! Hollywood folks can 💯 be beneficial to getting crucial causes more attention with actionable and sustained effort (see: Harry Belafonte & Sidney Poitier during the civil rights movement; Leo & climate change; and also face major backlash when they unleash unhinged tirades (see: Amy Schumer’s social media between Fall 2023- Spring 2024) 

   

   Sabrina Carpenter’s 25th birthday cake with a frosting meme of Leo

6. YOUTH— If you have a vagina. If you’re a (straight) guy, the more wrinkles, the more “character” you have. It’s also ok for a 50 or 60+ man to have an onscreen love interest half his age but considered controversial if a woman is dating a younger man. Hollywood loves double standards but trying to keep this list to 10 items.

7. A TRIPLE THREAT—acting / singing / dancing i.e.— Fred Astaire, Zac Efron, Ryan Gosling or any other Disney star turned adult actor (shout out to the 1993 cast of The Mouseketeers which included Gosling, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera; Paula Abdul, Zendaya; Gaga, etc etc….more percentages to be made across more media is money in the bank.

8. TROLLS —the 2016 DreamWorks animated film that generated over $347 million box office and spawned a franchise, which Hollywood loves (along with a remake.)

9. A FORMULA — i.e. boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back or any version of; man vs. wild; superhero capers; a buddy movie; a cop drama, etc etc.

10. A HAPPY ENDING

The end of Sixteen Candles when hottie Jake Ryan gets Molly Ringwald’s panties back and kisses her over her birthday cake.

HOLLYWOOD HATES

1. A FALLEN WOMAN See: Pam Anderson in the late 90s; Winona Ryder caught shoplifting; Janet Jackson “nipplegate”, Vanessa Williams resigning as Miss America in 1984 as Penthouse published nude photos of her without consent; Drew Barrymore Little Girl Lost phase; Ingrid Bergman after her affair with Roberto Rossellini.

   

2. AGENTS— if they get too big for their britches; when they aren't bringing you jobs or you’re getting offers direct but they still take their percentage of your fee; and especially agents prior to summer 2022, when packaging was outlawed. Packaging used to be a common practice in Hollywood since the 1970s whereby agencies would make more commissions off of a project by “packaging” a project to a studio by grouping talents together that were all signed to their agency. For example, let’s say CAA had a movie in play with Paramount, they would “package” together the Director, Writer, Actors, Director of Photography, etc etc. all from the CAA roster so they could take a percentage off of each of the talent. If the Director wanted to work with a Writer that was signed to WME too fucking bad, you’d be heavily heavily talked out of it.

3. Rabble ROUSERS & RULE BREAKERS, aka people who don't play by the rules or participate in the hustle game. Sometimes said people aren’t given the opportunity to play the game because they/ their audiences don’t look like the team captains of said game….UNLESS & UNTIL they make a shit ton of money, build a studio or franchise on their own terms and then Hollywood has to award the accolades & take them seriously or look like they aren’t being “inclusive” See: Tyler Perry

4. SCANDALS—unless they sell more movie tickets/ can be quickly turned into a streaming docu-series/  headlines equal clicks, baby. 

5. NEW MEDIA—until they have no choice but to LOVE it. See: Talkies, Technicolor, Television, VHS, Streaming, YouTube, TikTok, etc etc etc..

   

6. AMERICAN POLITICS IN THE 2020s. Messy AF. Lose half your paying audience by making a strong stance and/or risk social media “cancellation.” Managing to stay Bipartisan as a public figure is difficult, although Dolly Parton successfully avoided choosing a side during the height of 2016 presidential campaigning. Exceptions to this rule include entertainers who are known for their unapologetic positions on current affairs like Jane Fonda (who has been doing it since the 60s,) Mark Ruffalo, Ramy Youssef or Hollywood adjacent podcaster Joe Rogan, all of whom piss off people with their (differing) stances on issues but can’t be called inauthentic or unafraid to take the heat. 

7. AGING— although since 2016 theres been a concerted effort to cast more women over 40 in leading roles— an influence of Hollywood’s pendulum swing (aka public shaming) post a number of events including the 2016 presidential election results; #TimesUp & #MeToo; and more actresses developing their own projects and production companies (See: Salma Hayek, Eva Longoria, Laura Dern, Kerry Washington, Reese Witherspoon, Viola Davis, Margot Robbie, etc etc..) Mae West, the iconic actress, singer, comedian, screenwriter, and playwright didn’t make her first Hollywood movie until she was 40 after having been a huge success on Broadway, writing and starring in her own plays (her first starring role was in one called SEX.) Moral of the story, kids— if you’re an actress—write and produce your own material to call the shots. I’d say this goes for outside of Hollywood too—stand in your power & don’t let anyone tell you you’re “too old”—having life experiences under your belt is sexy as hell. So is owning your IP (intellectual property.)

   

8. TROLLS —as in the online kind. But honestly, this might be a LOVE ‘cause it’s a sign you’ve made it! You’re no one until you have haters. As legendary circus promoter P.T. Barnum once said (pre internet) “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.” If no one is talking shit, no one is reading/watching/listening to your shit.

   

   My first Substack troll! I was thrilled.

9. BREAKING WITH NARRATIVE TRADITION (unless/ until it works— see Akira Kurosawa’s groundbreaking Rashoman, 1950) 

10. AN UNHAPPY ENDING —except if it’s a guaranteed tearjerker/ major box office hit with a super hot cast and a soundtrack that contains multiple hit songs to be played/ performed on repeat, especially when you need a good cry see— Beaches, A Love Story, Titanic.